Rules of BDSM behavior

In several other journal entries, we talk about "being respectful" or "behave yourself" but without any real context for that. Yes, you can read about BDSM ethics here (please do) and how to get into the lifestyle here, but behavior and ethics are two wildly different things for kinky folks.

1. Be respectful, but not to the point of being silly.

   • You're an adult, and other kinky folks are adults, so behave like it. Say hello, introduce yourself, be kind. The usual things when meeting new people.

   • Be respectful in how to talk to kinky people as well. Just because someone is submissive doesn't mean you can talk down to them.

   • Real life is rarely like erotica, so please don't refer to everyone as master, sir, miss, slave, etc. If you're not actively in a kink relationship with someone, then don't put honorifics in front of their name. This is the real world, not Story of O.

   • If you screw up, give an honest apology and don't do that kind of behavior again.

2. Don't touch things that aren't yours.

   • This should go without saying, but INFORMED CONSENT IS ESSENTIAL to BDSM culture. Don't assume that things are acceptable to touch or borrowing.

   • This also applies to people. CLOTHING IS NOT CONSENT. Once again, be respectful and ask.

   • Do not get butthurt when someone says no. You're an adult, so please respect that. Do not pester others.

   • Being able to accept rejection gracefully is a desirable trait within the community, and you will discover that it opens more doors than closes them.

3. Be mindful and respectful of your surroundings.

   • If the event is held in public (like a casual social, munch, or other similar event), there may be families around. Please dress appropriately and watch your language.

   • In private settings, please respect the dress code when applicable.

   • Respect the rules of a venue, as every venue will have a very specific ones. Don't argue with a venue owner or event runner about these rules. It's their house, not yours.

   • Clean up after yourself, and if you're at a public business: tip well. Private venues expect you to clean up after play, so learn where the cleaning station is and use it. Lots of public establishments love kinky gatherings because they are clean, respectful, and are good to the staff. Do your part to represent the kinky community well.

4. Represent your community well.

   • Once you are a member of the community, you become an ambassador anytime you self identify as a kinkster.  When speaking about kink to non kinky people, do not be vulgar or pushy.

   • Be mindful that not everyone is kinky and respect that. If you expect to not be shamed for your kinks, never shame others for being vanilla. Everyone has their own squicks and you need to respect that.

5. Be honest about your health and skills.

   • If you're new to the community, nothing will get you called out faster than faking experience, and age is not necessarily a factor. There are people in their 60's who are new and people in their 40's who have decades of knowledge. Being honest about being new to the community is a great way to having people reach out to you.

   • The BDSM community does not stigmatize STI and disabilities the way a lot of vanilla people do, as long as you're honest about it. Get tested, bring your paperwork, be honest and upfront, and people will be accepting. If you've a disability, let your partner(s) know and they can be very accommodating.

   • Respect other's needs for fluid barriers, and plan accordingly.

6. Never out anyone.

   • Many kinksers have day jobs, family, or social standing which they do not wish to have associated with their kinky lifestyle. Respect their privacy. If you know them in the vanilla word, then ask for their scene name, and if you only know them by their scene name and see them in public, don't out them as kinky.

   • Never take photos without everyone's express permission. While this is a rule for most kink playspaces (and many prohibit phones and cameras completely), this should also just be respected in general. If the playspace does allow photography, let a staff member know that you would like to take a photo, and make sure that no one is in the background who didn't consent.

7. Be respectful online as well as in person.

   • The BDSM community is mostly connected via the internet. As such, these rules of civility apply to online interactions just as much as to the in person ones.

8. The Elephant in the room: if someone makes you uncomfortable, feel free to talk to an organizer or community elder.

   • This is especially true if you're new to the community, but even if you're not. These rules of behavior don't just apply to new people. If someone is being creepy, forward, or not respecting boundaries, please come and talk to the event organizer or to a community leader.

   • While we don't like to often admit this, there are those who will be completely respectful to everyone except new people. This is extremely predatory behavior, and a healthy community will police itself. Occasionally, these people are associated with a private venue, and you should absolutely talk about incidents with other community leaders.

   • Unfortunately, it's too often that new people become burned by these individuals being creeps or gatekeeping, and leadership doesn't know about that behavior until it's too late (they're not going to behave poorly in front of us, after all).

   
   

   Honestly, these rules can be translated into almost any social setting. With the exception of outing, we feel that these same rules can apply to attending a birthday party. Be respectful to the other people, don't touch what isn't yours, be respectful of the space, respect that other people might not be interested, be honest about your health, be kind online, and if someone makes you uncomfortable - tell an adult. We feel that if everyone followed these rules, the world would be a kinder and more understanding place.