How to get into the lifestyle

We've had this question asked of us a lot over the years, and it's more complicated than it seems. While we would love to give people a website to join or a book to read, there's no one-size-fits-all method for joining the BDSM community. Much of it depends on your local community, the events and people who are there, and what kind of lifestyle you're seeking. Different lifestyles, such as Leatherfolk, master\slave relationships, pets and their owners, and many others tend to be more regional in popularity, and we cannot advise people on specifics outside of central North Carolina. There are, however, some good general places to start.

The first is behavior. Almost every local community has standards of ethics and decorum that are usually above the usual vanilla public. We realize that a lot of people imagine a more debauched setting, but due to the extreme focus on consent, kinksters tend to try to be extremely polite and thoughtful towards one another. Some folks can find it to be a bit formal, but it is about respect and care towards one another. In public gatherings, we try to be conscious of our dress and what could be overheard, as we also try not to alienate the public as well. A lot of bars and venues love having kinky gatherings because kinksters tend to be respectful, clean, and excellent tippers. So, when you're getting together with people, remember that we are kinky, but we also do not tolerate rude behavior.

The second is discretion. Along with the respect, we try never to reveal people's personal information in public or to the public. Known as "outing", it's seen similarly to doxing and is a quick way to get blacklisted from the community. Most kinksters have scene-names, and they're to offer a sense of discretion. You aren't expected to necessarily need a scene name, but if you have any worries about the vanilla world ever knowing you might be kinky, we would recommend one.

The third is education. Reading through our blog is fine, but we're hardly a comprehensive text. We do have some book recommendations.

• SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is a primary text on BDSM and kink. It is an older book and can be quite dry, but it's an excellent primary source for BDSM knowledge.

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller is an easy read and, while not as in depth as some, is an excellent primer for BDSM practice.

• Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington is more of an introduction into BDSM culture. It focuses a bit on Leatherfolk culture, but it's still an excellent book on what to know as you become a member of the lifestyle.

• The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton are good role specific books. They are both written with a very heterosexual gaze, but they're still excellent starter books on the topics.

There are MANY more books on the topic, and even some that we like more than these. However, these tend to be the most widely regarded and most accessible books on the topic.

The fourth is being social. Online interactions are all well and good, but to become a member of the lifestyle, you will have to interact with other kinksters. There are a lot of social events, such as munches and sloshes, designed to allow kinky folk to gather without pressure in public. Not only is it a good way for us to have fun, but it's also an excellent way to meet new people, gather and build community, and do vetting for new members for events. It also is a nice safe way to do it in public without any stress or pressure.

In the end, you may find that the first several weeks or months of your kink journey looks a lot like making new friends and learning some new playground rules. Mind your manners and be friendly, and we will always attempt to do the same. You may find the BDSM community very rewarding, and if we're not your cup of tea, we do completely understand. We wish you all the best of luck on your journey!