How to get invited to private events

As with any community, the best parties tend to be exclusive. With BDSM events, this is no different. However, where a lot of private parties are looking for people who are famous\wealthy\attractive, BDSM events have a different criteria for entry. Typically, attendees are vetted on experience, behavior, ethics, and adherence to rules.

Firstly, you have to get to know and embrace the ethics of kink culture. Despite what a lot of popular media would have the public believe, kinksters are overwhelmingly ethical. Informed and enthusiastic consent between adults is the cornerstone of ethical kink, and there are different philosophies around that. However, it is a culture with zero tolerance for bigotry, misogyny, and other forms of intolerance. To be able to get into events, you should absolutely understand and embrace those ethics, and we wrote a short blog entry about it that you can find here. It's not comprehensive, but it does cover the two major philosophies which you should know.

Secondly, to be even able to be invited to private events, you do typically need to be a part of the BDSM community. Invites tend to be offered through upstanding members, and the only way you would get to know these people is by being an active participant in events. Thus, your first step is to get to know your local community, and we have some tips for that here.

Thirdly, every event space is going to have rules. Most don't allow alcohol or other drugs because of the issues involved around consent, and every event runner is going to have their own limits. Most have a short rules session where they will walk you through it. However, common courtesy dictates that you always clean up after yourself, never bother people who are playing together, respect people's boundaries, if something bothers you then quietly walk away so as not to bother the participants, and come with the expectation of it being more of a social event than an erotic one. There is often a door fee to cover the space rental and sometimes furniture and snacks, but there is never any "pay-to-play". While the kink community tends to support sexwoker's rights, these events are not a place for anything transactional. Even hinting at something like that is a great way to be thrown out and banned from the community.

So, after all of this, what's the process for securing an invite? Two parts: get involved in your local community to get to know what's going on, and then get vetted to be able to get into events. Event runners talk to one another and will do a cursory background check on new attendees. If someone has been banned from an event in the area, chances are they're also not welcome at many other events. If they're new to town, then they're going to need a friend who's a local member who will vouch for them.

The big takeaway is that you shouldn't come into the BDSM community looking for an orgy or sex party. Those really only happen in the movies. However, we do have some lovely erotic private events which are specifically appeal to kinksters. If you're looking for something more debauched that's easier to find, we do recommend hitting up one of the local BDSM public events in your area. We have a short (and certainly not comprehensive) list on our blog for Central NC that you can find here.

In the end, be respectful, temper your expectations, and understand that these sorts of events really only appeal to people within the BDSM community. If this seems like all the rules and ethics don't fit with your idea of a good time, then chances are, you wouldn't enjoy a private party. That doesn't mean that you can't add some spice to your life, but you probably wouldn't be a good fit, and that's completely fine. The kink community isn't exclusive because we are gatekeeping it from the rest of the world. Rather, it's exclusive because we are so ethical and much of what we do simply isn't for everyone. But for those of you who embrace those values and interests, we will welcome you with open arms!